“When you date someone it’s like you’re taking a class in them and when you break up it’s like all that knowledge is useless. It’s the emotional equivalent of an English degree.”—Ted Mosby, ”How I Met Your Mother”
You taught me a lot. You taught me how to just let me be myself and not care. You taught me to be more careless and to enjoy the moments I’m given. You taught me how to just have fun. You also taught me that with that happiness, it comes with it’s downfalls. That there will be pain, tears, and a whole bunch of bullshit. Things didn’t turn out how I wanted them to me, but thanks for everything.
One day, I’m going to be able to look at your name and pictures of you and not have my heart drop.
One day, I’m going to be able to look at your name and pictures of you and genuinely be happy for you and all of your endeavors.
One day, I’m going to be able to look at your name and pictures of you and not think of the bad times, but just the good times we had. I’ll be able to say to myself, “I’m glad that you were my first love and that you were a part of my life.”
The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to feel so relieved. When you get your heart broken for the first time, you can’t imagine loving someone else again or having someone else love you. You worry about your ex finding love before you do, you worry about being damaged goods. And then it happens. Someone else loves you and you can sleep well at night.
The second time you fall in love with someone, it’s going to feel different. The first time felt like a dream almost. You were untouched, untainted by anyone. You accepted love with wide open arms and desperation. “Love me, love me, love me!” So you did. And then it fell apart and left you shocked to the core. You realized that people could be cruel and break your heart. You realized that people could stop meaning the sweet things they said to you just yesterday. So when you go into it again, you’re going to keep in mind everything that you’ve learned. You’re going to say, “Love me, love me, love me…until you don’t. In which case, I would like some advance warning. Thanks!”
The second time you fall in love with someone, you’re going to compare it to your first love. That’s okay. That’s natural. You’re going to be studying the new love with judgement and wariness. “My ex never liked broccoli. Why the hell does this one eat so much broccoli?!” Discovering that you have the ability to love multiple people who are different and feel different is initially very jarring. Loving an unfamiliar body will leave you disoriented and in dire need of a map. That’s okay too. That’s to be expected. Just ask the new love for directions.
The second time will not be the first time. The first time is an insane magical life gift that you can never reclaim. But that’s okay. The second time is more real anyway. The second time can involve some amazing love.