I know what it feels like to sacrifice so many things, including yourself, for someone you love, whether they ask you to do so or not. I completely understand where you’re coming from. But you have to also realize that there’s a fine line between giving up a couple small things, and giving up your independence and own life. There has to be a compromise. You can’t be giving up everything for this person if they’re not willing to give that much to you. They’re living their OWN life with you in it. And you need to do the same. You can’t just sit around and wait for them in the meantime. You deserve to have fun and be happy and not watch them live their life while you wait for the time to pass when you can be together again. Believe me, it’s horrible waiting by the sidelines seeing them have fun, living their life while you just sit there and wait and wait and wait. You can make your own decisions too. It may start a fight. But you can’t just avoid every single thing that might spark a fight. That’s not how it works. This isn’t any of my business and I am in no position to give you advice or tell you what to do.
But I really just don’t want you to turn into the person I became last year, giving up so much of myself and my happiness to someone when it was totally unnecessary. And I’m not going to lie, I want you guys to last. Please don’t make the same mistakes I did. Don’t end up like me.
I wish someone told me this last year because not only do I miss him, I miss what we had.
Why do I really miss and still care for someone who doesn’t even care and miss me back at all anymore?
It’s like I can’t get the idea through my head that they’re better off without me in their life now. They don’t need or want me there anymore. They were better off before I came. And they’re better off now that I’m not there. Seriously, why can’t I comprehend that?
Sometimes, things are just out of your control. No matter how much you try, it’s not going to work out. It’s hard to understand that all your effort and time are wasted on a hopeless cause, and yet, you’re still trying. You have hope deep down that in the end, it’s going to work out, despite knowing you can’t change a thing. Yeah, in the end, you did try for nothing. You wasted time on trying to change something. It sucks knowing you tried for nothing.
They say that you should never regret something that once made you smile.
They say that you never forget your first love.
As sad as it sounds, sometimes I wish I could. There are days that I wish that the last two years didn’t happen. Or that I can block out and not recall everything I’ve been through. Today is one of those days.
It hurts too much to remember. Memorable days and certain dates that are coming up that should still be important keep crossing my mind. It’s sad that I keeping thinking of old memories and I say to myself,”On this day last year blah blah blah happened.” It’s sad that I remember exactly what happened on this day of last year. I was so happy. I’d never think in a year it would end up like this. Just thinking and looking back on everything that’s gone on in the last two years and comparing it to how things are now just mentally and emotionally hurts too much. I don’t want to hurt and suffer anymore.
Nostalgia seems to cause too much pain for me.
Every time I take a step forward, something reminds me of everything I’ve been trying to ignore and I take 10 steps back. I was on such a good path too.
Today in AP Lit we were discussing Shakespearean Sonnets. Many of the ones we were reading dealt with unrequited love, heartbreak, having false hope, and wanting to just give up. While discussing, Mrs. Banda said this:
"Many of us want to believe that falling in love is like a fairytale story that always ends with a happy ending. But then we all get hurt believing in this because fairy tales do not exist."
Ever had that? Ever received a text message from someone, whether you woke up to it, got it during the day or before you ended your night & you looked at your phone & saw this long message, filled with words that hurt you, that completely changed your mood, that stopped you from breathing & put you in total disbelief? That everything you guys went through just ended by that text message? Crazy how a simple text message can make you feel complicated inside.
That stupid text is still engraved in my head -____-
You can walk around with a huge smile on your face and laugh and play jokes. But inside you can seem so dead and gone.
It’s so easy to fool everyone, to make people think your life is perfectly fine when it’s just in pieces. Everything is just peachy, just perfect, and people don’t understand the battle you’re fighting.
Oh gosh, I don’t even want to start with this topic… I can’t tell you how many rants I’ve had about Homecoming haha.
I’m about 90% sure I’m not going because there is no one who would ask me and I really don’t want to go by myself. If I really wanted to go, I already told Roger he would be my date. But I really don’t want to have to ask someone to be my date. I’ve never been ask in an extravagant way and it would just be nice to be asked to my SENIOR Homecoming you know? I also wouldn’t just want to go with anyone or some random person who asks me. I have to know that they’ll be a fun date and that I’ll enjoy my time with them. I’m just kinda upset and sad because I always pictured going to all my SENIOR dances with someone I really liked.
Dream college is UCLA. I’ve been dying to go there ever since I was in 4th grade.
UCI, UCSD, and maybe even Berkeley is a good alternative. But I kind of want to stay close to home cause I get homesick easily haha.
I’m applying to privates and Cal States as well. I’m probably applying to at least 12 schools. I’m applying pretty much everywhere even if it’s kind of far because if a school does offer me enough money, I will definitely consider it.
You keep telling yourself you’re over somebody, saying things like ”Fuck it, I’m done”, ”Fuck that nigga/bitch”, ”I’m fed up”, ”It’s time to move on”, ”I deserve better” etc but if you were really over someone, you wouldn’t keep talking about it. & you still catch yourself checking up on them, visiting their social networks, looking at their posts & pictures, see who they’re talking to, you’re still writing posts about them, ask your friends about them & how they’re doing & you’re thinking about sending them a text or call just to hear their voice, again.