I keep thinking of how much I love talking to you. How good you look when you smile. How much I love your laugh. I daydream about you, replaying our conversations; laughing at funny things that you said or did. I’ve memorized your face and the way that you look at me. I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine. I wonder what will happen the next time we are together and even though neither of us know what the future holds, I know one thing's for sure; you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I’m a smart person. I’ve tried my hardest to keep straight A’s and earn my 4.3 GPA, which to some, may be to die for. Out of a my junior class of 591, I’m ranked number 25 weighted, 28 unweighted, which is the top 4%. I’m involved in school. Especially the performing arts. I’m the secretary of Production Choir, our school’s show choir. Even though secretary may sound like an easy job, I do just as much crap as the president and vice, if not more. We also won third place in our division last year and even won the showmanship award for the best performance. I was in Los Altos’ colorguard and winterguard. During field season, we won nothing less of 1st place or sweepstakes. During winterguard, we qualified for championships and in our division of 40 schools, we placed 6th.
Many would kill to have my record. But it’s not enough. For my standards anyway. Don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely proud of what I’ve done and accomplished so far. And in no way do I mean to brag or gloat. But…
I WANT TO GO TO UCLA.
You might think it’s only because Richard goes there. And yeah, he is a reason why I’d want to go there. I’d being lying if I said he wasn’t one. But he’s not my only reason.
I’ve wanted to go there even way before Richard came in the picture. Without a doubt, it’s an excellent school. Currently ranked number 11 in the nation. They have a great psychology program, which I think I want to major in? :/ It’s still in LA, close to friends and family. It’s just… my school.
But I feel like I need to go there to prove something.
To prove to Richard’s parents that I’m worthy of being with their son. He has set the bar so high. It’s either I match it, or I fall short. No matter what, they’ll still be proud of me. They know I’m smart. I’ve made sure they know by always texting them my grades and even showing them my progress reports. I don’t want them to think their son is dating an idiot. But I would think less of myself if I didn’t make it in because they know what I’m capable of doing and they’ve set their high expectations. I would feel I let them down. I would let him down. Pushing me to my limit and me not making it? UGH that would suck. And as if I didn’t feel inferior to him already. Gosh, it’s hard having a perfect boyfriend haha.
To prove to my biological dad that, I did it. You left me and mom alone with nothing. It would be great to show you just how great of a job she did raising me, without you. I made something of myself. Without your help.
But most importantly, to prove to myself that I can do it. That I didn’t work my butt off for nothing. That despite all my negativity, hopelessness, and doubts, I DID IT.
Man, I have A LOT of work to do this year. Starting with SAT’s and community service. So much to do. So little time.
CANDID. I like this picture, but I don’t know why haha.
Anywhos… Happy 11 months Baby (: One more month until the ONE YEAR. Isn’t that amazing? And trust me. I have BIG plans for you (: With school starting and all the change going on, this past month has been really hard. For me at least. But I’m still holding on. Even though I’m always worried, freaking out, and just an emotional wreck, I will NEVER give up on us. At the end of the day, I believe in us. At the end of the day, the one thing that will never change is that I love you more than words can ever explain. I’m staying strong (:
I’ve gotten use to it. Not being able to see each other every week. Or talk every day. The distance. College. I’ve adapted. Although it gets to me at times like now, I’m used to it. I’ve settled into a comfortable numbness. Where I’ve dealt with it for so long that I can’t feel the pain anymore. I’m just numb from it. It masks and lessens the desire of missing and longing you, to an extent. It’s kept me sane.
in the middle of the night, my phone vibrated. thinking it was a text from baby, i quickly woke up to check it. to my disappointment, it was only the stupid alert to tell you that your phone is done charging. i then couldn’t sleep so i stayed up for another 45 minutes just laying there. i felt stupid for getting my hopes up. a couple minutes ago, i woke up. and baby called out of nowhere just to say good morning. we haven’t talked in awhile. i’ve been thinking about him nonstop since he left. even if it was only for a minute, i don’t think he knows how much that call meant to me.
Saying it a lot may sometimes have it lose its meaning. But I say it all the time to help you remember just how much I care for you. I say it all the time to remind you that I’m here to stay, and that my feelings for you will never fade away. I say it all the time to remind you that even though there is better out there for you, their love for you will never be as deep or as strong as mine. I say it all the time, not only because it’s nice to say and hear back, but to assure you that I’m the one for you. And no one else. So on that note, I love you. I love you. I love you.
so after me and brenda got dropped off at my house, we decided that we really wanted food. so after debating for like 20 minutes, we said that we were going to take mom’s car out and drive to vons. LOL.
even though it’s a little less than a mile away, i didn’t have my permit on me, nor do i have my license… and my step dad was going to be home in 40 minutes. yup.
we looked at the car and observed it make sure that when we returned, it would look exactly the same HAHA. we got inside, i backed out of the garage, and then i parked on my driveway to just breathe a little bit and calm myself down. LOLOL. when i started driving, i was screaming the whole time. HAHAHA. i hadn’t drove that car in about 4 months. i kinda forgot just how fast it was and how sensitive the gas is.
when we got vons we were running around the store to get our food. we kept checking our phones for the time. LMAO. then i drove back home. driving home was less stressful than going there haha. we made it with lots of time to spare and put everything back the way it was when we found it (:
that was fun. i didn’t get pulled over and we didn’t die. and brenda said i was doing a good job driving :D but i don’t think we’re ever going to do that again. LOL.
“Negativity could last for a long time. And sooner or later, it’s not gonna be a mood that’s got you down. It’s gonna be you. And before you realize it, you won’t be able to appreciate any sense of happy you have. Feelings like that consume you. To the point where you don’t want to feel better because it’s not easier to.”—Best Friend
I can see why the juniors last year like Justin and Roger were always bitching. The year barely started and I already hate school. And it’s only gonna get harder. That’s freaking wonderful. But honestly, I don’t even think it’s the school itself that I hate. Maybe it’s the fact that everything is changing so fast or just that it’s the start of school and I didn’t want summer to end. I don’t know. I just know that there’s something that’s bothering me. I’m not sure exactly what. I feel like I’m just using school as an excuse to tell people what’s wrong. I guess to get people off my back and to explain all my negativity, that excuse will suffice for now.
September 5, 2010, exactly one year from the first time we ever hung out.
Him: Good morning baby! It’s been one year since the day I knew for sure I liked you. It’s been a year since I knew that I would kiss you. It’s been a year since I knew that I would fall in love with you. It’s been a year since I knew that I would care for you more than anyone else. And it’s been a year since I knew I was gonna say this a year later. I love you.
Someone whose personality surprises me at times. Someone who watches romantic comedies & Grey’s Anatomy. Someone who is thoughtful & calls unexpectedly to ask how my day was & just talk to me. Someone who will drive to my house in the middle of the night & bring me food & chill on the bench at the front of my house. Someone who will make me mixed cds to play in the car with the windows rolled down. Someone who will take a bunch of pictures with me & help me put them up on my wall. Someone who is a jerk to me most of the time & a sweetheart when I need him to be. Someone who will actually listen to my problems & say the right things at the right time. Someone who will help me with my Spanish homework. Someone who will buy pizza so I can buy pasta & split it with me. Someone who will lend me his sweater when I’m cold. Someone who will tell me stupid jokes & let me get mad at him & not get his feelings hurt. Someone I can vent to without being judged. Someone who will go out with me in the middle of the night to take a walk. Someone who will think of me every now & then. Someone who would do anything for me & not expect a single thing back. Someone who won’t let me go. Someone who’ll be my best friend for life. Not for now, not for a couple years, but forever.
Because I have someone who is all of these things (: